This morning, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announced a ‘Special Envoy for Dumb Cunts,’ designed to help the government combat the anti-dumb-cunt sentiment that has been rising in Australia since the release of Hard Solo.
Marco ‘Mark-o’ Gorp, prominent dumb cunt from Girraween, has been appointed in the role, following years of service huffing modelling glue at the back of his local Chicken Treat.
“Fuken…dogs bein’ harsh as to us dumb cunts, ay” Mr. Gorp told YNR over the in-game chat feature in Halo Infinite. “They reckon just cos me n’ my dard Fuck Heap* go around tippin’ prams n’ shit over at Cockburn Gateway that they can, like, uh, tell us not to tip prams over at Cockburn Gateway — it’s fucken not on, ay!”
*Mr. Fuck Heap (name unconfirmed) was unavailable for comment.
“The last two years has seen a troubling increase in dumb cunt hatred,” Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong told ABCRN, “it’s incredibly disturbing to see such bigotry run rampant in the community. It’s the Government’s job to put an end to it. We should all be wet for dumb cunts.”
Infamous incidences on anti-dumb-cunt hatred in recent months has included 1) people asking dumb cunts to refrain from doing “such wet shits” in the dairy isle at their respective supermarkets 2) a community radio DJ stating that they think it is wrong for dumb cunts to “punt newborn babies” into the Mundaring Weir 3) the referral of Bubba Yeahnah-Yahoo, the self-appointed mayor of Ashfield traino, to the family court for running over his ex-wife’s neighbours’ quadriplegic grandmother with a steamroller, and live-streaming it.
Regular occurrences of anti-dumb-cuntism are shaking the very foundations of Australia, a country with a long history of close ties to the dumbest cunts going. “Australia is a nation of dumb cunts,” said the Prime Minister, glowingly, “without them, there would not be an Australia as you or I know it. Have you even been to Britain?”
Critics of the Special Envoy to Dumb Cunts have pointed out that Mr. Gorp’s mate Fuck Heap has ties to the lobby group The Bassendean Diddlers, a local spin-off of NAMBLA that got into trouble for taking out a full page ad in The Australian last Summer that simply read ‘Alan Jones is Sick As!’
“Fuck Heap’s a loose unit, ay” Mr. Gorp laughed as he selected Blood Gulch in another round of team deathmatch, “better stay outta his way or he’ll end ya, big dawg.”
When asked whether he was aware that Mr. Heap had put $43 from their shared ‘No Fap Jar’ into the newspaper ads, Mr. Gorp just shrugged and said “them hentai titties do be gettin’ to me.”
The Government has declared its intention to put 400 thousand dollars into Mr. Gorp and Mr. Heap’s ‘No Fap Jar,’ the Prime Minister stating in an interview with Patricia Karvelas earlier today that “when they bust, Australia busts.”
On how he plans to institute his proposals, which include “decking gaylords,” Mr. Gorp told YNR he’ll leave that to his Mossad handler. “He’s mad as hell about how bad I draw swastikas, ay” Mr. Gorp told us, “but for 20 bucks, I aint gettin’ them angles right.”
In the interests of bipartisanship, I think we can all reach across the aisle and agree that 20 bucks is not enough.